When Rome Was My Lover

Photo: Joana Kruse

Three weeks is an endless loop of time where your sanity drains away from you like liquid in low gravity.

                                                                                                                                                       
When Rome was my lover, I was young but thought I was old. When I was young, I was gifted the sense of invincibility shared by all foolish hatchlings. Even though Rome was my lover, I lived on the streets in Florence for three weeks. I was seventeen, a virgin and fully reliant on the kindness of strange men, and I felt invincible even after escaping the cabbie who would have raped me. And after him, the truck driver who propositioned me. It was 3 a.m. and raining, so I stayed at a gas station until it became light. I ended up taking the bus from Fiesole back to Florence proper in time to use the public showers at the train station, get a change of clothes from my stored suitcase at the Deposito Bagagli a mano, and make it to my 8 a.m. Italian language class.

Some nights I slept on the floor of the train station — well, maybe one night. I don’t think I bothered again after being woken in the morning by the face of a toothless vagrant inches away from mine, who emitted a not nice odor and wanted to “prendere un caffé” with me. Espresso. He wanted me to go on an espresso date with him. I wasn’t so much insulted as annoyed for having had my sleep interrupted.

Non rompe le scatole,” I said, which roughly translates to ‘don’t break my balls.’ I had it in my head that’s how us street people got our point across. I rose and walked off, rolling my eyes — I was a teenager after all.

I had an unlimited rail pass for the month, so some nights I slept on the train to Rome and back. Once in a while I’d leave early to hang out in the piazzas of my beloved Rome.

The cabbie’s core was decayed and foul, but most of the couple dozen men before him, enlisted in the cause of my survival, fed me pasta, got me a hotel room or let me sleep on their couch or in their car. Most. Out of the rest, one was as manipulative as I was arrogant and another had a switchblade.

I met the switchblade guy in the Rome metro, and I don’t actually know what he would’ve done. But late night on the park bench in Villa Borghese, just as he pulled out his knife to show me, we heard rustling from nearby bushes. He became instantly spooked and rushed us out of the park. Once back among a crowd, I decided to part ways and get on the train to Florence. Maybe subconsciously it dawned on me, What if he wasn’t just showing off his knife in a friendly way?

My bravado fully withered, in spite of myself, after the cab driver incident. I caved in and called my parents back In New York. It was time to make up with them and find a place to live for the rest of my stay.

I had only been a street person for three weeks. But if you don’t have a home to sleep in, three weeks is an endless loop of time where your sanity drains away from you like liquid in low gravity. When you don’t have shelter, neither does your sanity.

A disproportionate number of the men I met told me about il Mostro, a serial killer loose in Florence since the late 60’s who murdered kissing couples in outdoor spaces. I always shrugged, thinking, What’s it got to do with me? I’m not planning to make out with you. Inside or outside.

‘Invincible’ I know now, meant ‘lucky idiot.’

Those three weeks are worthy of a few chapters in a book. It’s debatable whether I became a calm, respectable adult, but I became good at pretending, and a few years ago, an older male friend had some helpful suggestions.

“Why don’t you write?” He asked.

“I do.”

“Why don’t you write a book?”

“I am.”

“What about?”

“It’s a memoir.” He scoffed, as if I’m not important enough to write a memoir.

“You haven’t lived enough,” he said. I beg to differ.

Of course, the memoir in question is a painstaking, on-again, off-again endeavor and I’m not in a rush. Still, pieces of it are starting to emerge in scattered places.

Ten years after living on the streets of Florence, I was twenty-seven and in a relationship. I treated my boyfriend to an Italian vacation and couldn’t wait to present Rome to him. The story, an ode to one lover amid the resuscitation of another, is live today on Full Grown People and called Head Inside the Head. Let me know what you think if you read it.

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17 comments

  1. I could swim in your words, forever. I love seeing this prequel to your essay.

    1. I’ll go swimming with Miss Chrissy any day.

  2. It’s so good to see you back.

    1. Thank you, Bob. So lovely of you to say. I hope to carve out more time for this blog. I miss it and you guys so much.

  3. Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
    Gunmetal Geisha is here with a story of youthful luck.

  4. Funny, as I was reading this I was thinking “screenplay needed.” Well, I’ll definitely buy the memoir. Reminded me of my own three months living out of my car, rotating nights between the Safeway, a donut shop, a library and a mall. I always had to change locations cause often if I was asleep in the day – I had a couple of jobs and one was overnight – people would call the cops thinking I had overdosed or something… I would always just tell them I was between jobs, never letting on that I was always only between jobs with no home to go back to…

    1. You know what’s actually funny? I had all these non-memoir screenplay ideas — mostly science fiction, or at least, metaphysical, and only recently it occurred to me to write them as novels instead. The screenplays can come after. It really liberated me in a way, because the idea of writing a novel is so much more delicious to me than a screenplay.

      I cannot believe you managed three months out of a car! Where were you? I couldn’t even manage three months on a first-class Eurail vacation with my best friend — I came home a week early. Have you written about your experience?

      1. I actually spent another 2 years after that living out of a car but I had people’s property that I could park on so it wasn’t so traumatic. I traveled a lot, to India and back, and across the country, so never had extra money for things like rent and food… 🙂 I gave most of my experiences to a girl in a novella I wrote called Blur. The opening scene is of her waking up from a nightmare of being trapped under ice and scaring the cop that woke her as much as she was scared to be awoken. That was all true.

      2. Oh, I was in the east bay area of California at the time. Originally from Seattle, Washington.

    2. Sensational stuff! Keep writing ..

  5. Lizzi · · Reply

    So….were you homeless on purpose? You just went and thought you’d give it a go? How did it come about?

    1. I was supposed to study Italian in Florence for three months. The day my parents dropped me off at the airport, we got into a fight so I stopped contact with them, which included their financial support. Funny thing is, I don’t even remember what the silly spat was about. And in the bigger picture, “I stopped contact with them” for all of three weeks. But I squandered the money I had brought with me within the first three days. On Italian shoes. Several of them. I kept them stored at the train station. Clearly, I had problems, haha. I do think it says something that my greatest act of self-destructiveness was buying shoes (knowing full well that I was throwing my food/survival money at it).

      1. Sooooo you cut off your nose to spite your face, but you did it with enormous style? To be fair, for Italian shoes, it was probably maybe worth using survival money…

  6. Good writing 👏👏👏

  7. Mandi · · Reply

    Your words ignite something in me. I don’t know if I want to drop everything and move to Rome or if I need to sit down in a quiet place with an espresso and write until forever, but it’s there. Ignition.

    1. Agreed:)

  8. Sensational writing…

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