Can I use bread to eat geisha?
Due to an international array of active masturbators seeking to stumble on unclothed geishas doing vile things, the post “Geisha Silver Pxrn,” the first installment of Gunmetal Geisha search terms, became my top third post of all time. In some arenas, it even caused this blog to be classified as “adult.” Not in spite of, but because of it bringing in an inordinate amount of pxrn-seeking traffic, I’ve replaced O’s with X’s in every instance of the word “pxrn” here.
Must be that while I want traffic, I want it from people who operate from the head that sits above their shoulders. Go figure.
That’s not to say I won’t be your willing dancing monkey to get you to come back. These and other gloriously lurid topics await you in the future: why I jumped down a four-foot wall in my bikini in the middle of the night; how handprints ended up on my boobs right before a date; my considerable mommy issues; a dance-off video with a certain in-demand redhead.
I’ve been working on a bunch of this material to make up for lost time, which is why you ought to subscribe to Gunmetal Geisha with your email and get notified as soon as they’re published. I’m not sure why it’s important for me to build up my email list, but someone said so at a big blogging conference and it’s the only pointer I remember. I know it won’t hurt when I [finish writing and] bring my book to a publisher [by stalking to learn where to corner them], getting to brag about all of you who willingly signed up to receive my writing. I’ll never get spammy on you or share your email, and come on, don’t you want me in your inbox?
As far as “Geisha Silver Pxrn,”* as much as I enjoyed the sadistic irony when it came to the sleazoid set in search of geisha pxrn finding themselves at the opening of the post faced with the line, “Humanity is a bunch of weirdos,” I’ve turned the post private for now. The above link leads to an image of the post, not the post itself.
Why yes, I do have strong opinions about pxrnxgraphy, but at the same time I don’t believe in censorship and don’t really care what anyone does legally — as long as they don’t come looking for it on my site.
So have a heart and sign up, because shutting down that pxrn-seekers’ portal is going to cut my traffic by two-thirds.
In the meantime, I’ve put together this multi-format (audio of me “performing” below) — some might even say, interactive — search term installment for you.
But before the poetry of the curious and the perverted meld once again in avant-garde verse, here are a few other pearls and turds of the search term psyche that are noteworthy, some of which deserve an answer:
“maybe i am delusional? i definitely dont have erotomania though because dont believe anyone in love with me. can anyone give me some clues about whether i am delusional or not?”
Noble seeker of virtual wisdom, though your search phrase is the longest I’ve ever seen, there’s not enough information to answer your question. If you’ve read Erotomania Or…? and are worried about seeing signs that aren’t there, I imagine a good remedy might be to only consider concrete proof and direct answers.
“blog.sex.girl.verbose”
Why lie, a couple or more of those words actually apply.
“gehsa sxe”
Your racking dyslexia might be a more pressing issue.
“martian pxrn”
Because it’s time for pxrn to “go where no man has gone before.”
“can I use bread to eat geisha?”
This one’s got to be a deliberate plant. If not, geishas of the world, arm yourselves against a carb-loving cannibal.
Finally, it turns out that geisha and silver are victims to a mind-boggling variety of spelling massacres:
silwer, silfer, silvporn, pxrn geyshas love, geishea pxrn, gesha dating, skinny ghiesha, giesha email
The rest below is, well, poetry. Each line is a separate web search that at some point led to this blog. I simply selected and shuffled a bunch to put together. I’ve fixed typos and misspellings, added punctuation and capitalization, and in the case of two lines, removed the tail-end of the search phrase. Other than that, each line is exact to its original content and “poetic” incoherence.
I’ve even taken the liberty to record it out loud so you can press play and scroll down to read along, because there’s no poetic conceit quite like the well-intended inquiry coupled with sub-humanity’s handiwork. (Be forewarned, I pronounce it gay-sha and not ghee-sha.)
Gunmetal Geisha 
Excuse me, how do I suscribe? It isn’t clear and I searched the pages multiple times and can’t figure out how to subscribe. Subscribing would be most desired but I can’t seem to figire out how to subscribe. Can you show me how to subscribe? I would like to subscribe so I can read more pxetic pxrn. Thank you for helping me to find out how to subscribe. The blogger must not worry too much about how many people subscribe since she does not make it clear how to subscribe. 😀
Great to see you back GG – eager for more! Can you help me subscribe? Bwahahaha!
Haha, too much?
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAH I love how you managed to sound poetic but also absolutely detached in your poem. That. Was. Awesome.
And I subscribe but also I get my Geisha Pills on WhatsApp, so I’m good for bread, need no more carbs and will happily take a silver, bubble-wrapped plane and fly off into the night.
Ha, I’m glad you got a kick out of it!
This was incredible and I might listen to that a few more times.
Good, because I don’t think anyone else is…
So cool!
Can we record my search terms? It will be much easier. Just say “slut mom” over and over and over…
It would actually be funny to record with all sorts of different intonations.
That. Was. Awesome!
I wrote a post about a quiz I took that told me how many goats I am worth. I get traffic every single day from people looking for goat porn. Not even kidding. I’ve literally had 100s of people getting to my blog looking for goat porn. Oh, and chicken porn. Although, in that case, I did use the words ‘chicken porn’ in a post. There was no actual chicken porn, though.
Ha, thanks! Wow, goat porn. Not that I’m surprised, really. I took that quiz too, by the way. It’s amazing someone came up with that “quiz,” but more amazing that it actually took hold!
I’m following … I really don’t want to subscribe because my overloaded inbox already causes me to hyperventilate. But I’ll be happy to provide a referral to your publisher!
I don’t blame you — I can totally relate to the inbox / hyperventilation issue.
I subscribed…what will change now? Btw, you cray cray. Can’t wait for the dance off, squeegee!
The dance off — yes, keep reminding me. It’s in my editing bin.
Want a giggle, my last post
Give me a day, I’ll be there.
No onerous amount of reading involved, just a picture of me
I just saw it and LOVE it! I have a big soft spot for redheads on top of everything.
Especially when they can pull off the Cookie Monster onesie look right?!
For sure! I have to go back for one more look now…
Haa!
What’s funny about this post and many others that have done the search term posts I have seen is that almost no weird things ever lead people to my sight. I can almost guarantee that the only word that ever leads people to my sight is Bitter or any variation of it. I have almost no weird phrases that ever lead people to me. So bitter….
That’s interesting. Also, the day after I posted this, a bunch of bizarre terms showed up. I’m starting to suspect many are plants. But I can’t work out how someone could be certain their phrasing would lead here.
Soooooooooooo…if I write a post with the word “porn” in it I’ll get all these kick ass search terms?
Especially if you write it in your title along with a bunch of weird stuff that normally doesn’t have anything to do with porn.
Hey, weren’t you going to do your own search term poem?
I was, but then Google began blocking the amount of search terms WP was allowed to pull and the terms I get now are lame and wouldn’t make a very entertaining poem.
Too awesome for words. Love!
Well, thanks!
talented as usual. how is life treating you lately?
Thanks, kind sir.
My blog is so G rated, I rarely get too many freaky ones. I also don’t think search engines are showing the search terms as much anymore. I get lots of searches, but it doesn’t give me the words searched. I miss them.
The one freaky search term that I get quite frequently is “big white asses,” “big white butt,” or anything of the like. This comes from, believe it or not, a recipe I posted back in Oct. 2012 titled “It’s not a butt …. it’s a recipe.” It’s a recipe for focaccia bread. The opening photo on that blog looks like a big white ass, but it is actually dough that was raised very high for the bread.
http://loreezlane.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/its-not-a-butt-its-a-recipe/
I look forward to your upcoming posts.
Oh wow, that picture so completely looks like a “big white butt” — to the point some of the searchers might not be disappointed! Hilarious.
My favorite search term so far is “crickets hear through their elbows”…
That’s a good one and not at all smarmy. Maybe spectrum-y. But in a good way.
LOVE this and the poem so much.
I am sadly curious to know what searches a poem called Hasty Porn would create
Alas, I can only dream of crypto, nutbag, deliciously weirdo search-terms… Must be either the free WP platform I’m using or the fact that Google has made searches private… I mean, of ALL the things to make private?? I have only enough search-terms to do maybe one post. And I’d have to “breathe some life” into them to make it funnier.
PS – Loving everything I’ve read on your blog so far. AND, your HuffPost article was amazing. I was working in Manhattan/living in Bensonhurst when that whole thing went down. What a day… I’ve been working on a Twin Towers paint-by-number made to benefit the victims’ families for the past 2 years. It’s a very slow project…
While most of the search terms are private, some still show up. Maybe if they’re not using Google?
Curious about the Twin towers paint by numbers project… How big is it? How often do you work on it?
And thanks for visiting all these posts, by the way, you made me very giddy!
😀
I’m tempted to say that painting is like 11″x17″. Suitable for framing if I ever finish it!
So, can you hook me up with this Martian porn person? I think we may have a lot in common.
What does any of this have to do with eating ass?!