Dear Men

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My friends have affectionately called me a man-eater, a not-so affectionate term.

                                                                                                                                                       

Dear men.  I’m in your debt.  Since about the time I turned twelve, you’ve done wonders for my self-esteem with your compliments and interest.  It’s been especially pleasant when your interest grows once you talk to me and get wind of my peculiar brain.  Of course, you ought to bear in mind that as a fully-grown man, you shouldn’t be saying to a passing twelve-year-old on the street, “You’re going to be so hot when you grow up.”

Even as a twelve-year-old, the flattery I felt was a creeped-out sort, but I was innocent enough to believe I could handle you.  Thankfully, you kept walking so I wasn’t given the opportunity to be wrong.  In all probability, people like you contributed to me deciding that I didn’t want biological children.  The world was too dangerous, and I could only wrap my mind around protecting an already-existing child from such a place.  I know all about bad men and the horrible things they’ve done to people I care about, and I care about people of any age and gender who fall into the hands of bad men (or bad women).  But this isn’t about bad men.  For the most part, I’ve managed to slip and dodge those who suck at being a human being.

Instead, this is about those of you who, for over three decades, have made me feel like I must be great.  Thank you.  You see, often, telling someone they’re a certain way, even when it isn’t true, makes them strive for it.  A huge part of me wanting to be good is thanks to the people who believe I am good.  Women too, have made me feel like I might not be that bad, and to them, I’m equally grateful.

But mostly, it’s been men.  You stick around even if we’ve never had sex, and while I always wonder how differently you would’ve reacted to me if I were a burn victim, the truth is, looks are a calling card and people need to be won over.  Likely the deciding factors end up being charm, wit and such, and after a point, looks might become irrelevant.  But we all know no one’s in a hurry to throw away looks.

Talent agents have been known to tell actresses that in order for them to be considered appealing, men should want to sleep with them, and women should want to be their best friend.  I find this offensive not because of gender politics, but because I’ve always wanted both men and women to be my best friend.

Can men and women be friends?

Of course we can.  Only guys who say, “Men and women can’t be friends” are incapable of being friends with women.

Being single, I find myself in a peculiar situation:  I’m constantly looking not to be.  But I’m picky beyond what others might consider reasonable.  It’s perfectly reasonable to me, because teaming up in a relationship is a choice and not a necessity, since I’m not a person who easily feels lonely.  But I do vastly enjoy having a consistent partner – in crime, and high and low times alike.  So I go through a lot of you to find the one.  (The irony isn’t lost on me that the couple of men in my life who could be the one are emotionally and/or circumstantially unavailable.)  Judge me if it makes you feel better, but consider your own “methods of interview” and the brutal yeas and nays to which you subject women.  Just remember Jason Alexander’s neurotic, balding character in Shallow Hal and the gorgeous girl he dumps because he doesn’t like her second toe…

This brings us to Tinder, the most honest, efficient dating yea or nay tool I’ve come across.  You start with someone’s picture on your phone, accept or reject it, and done.  The beauty of it is, the rejected party is never the wiser because the process is anonymous.  The accepted party too, only realizes you picked them if they likewise picked you, at which point you can message each other.  Of course, past this stage, it gets as messy as all other online dating – you meet some people in person, you like them, but not in that way, except they like you in exactly that way, and then you feel like an asshole.  At least that is the sum of my experience.

Some of you found yourself taken enough with my Tinder picture to embark on a virtual obstacles course to reach me and effectively confound the Tinder system by asking me out to dinner anyway.  I can’t say I don’t like the fact that you’re willing to work so hard to know more about me.  That’s why I include you in this collective thank you.  After all, you went from my Tinder to my Instagram to my blog, where you discovered I’m a “shit storm of trouble,” and still filled out the blog’s contact form.

But you should also know, I have no interest in casual romantic encounters.  I don’t know how to say this without sounding like some sort of reverse sociopath, but I don’t enjoy the company of people unless I connect with them on a deep level.  So you can imagine how poorly meaningless sex rates in my catalogue of fun – simply replace “meaningless” with “worthless” in that sentence, and you’ll understand more about my philosophy than if you read this entire blog.

On the other hand, I often do feel a deep connection with men toward whom I have no romantic inclinations, which rounds us back to the original point:  I want men to be my best friend.

A couple of you are.

For whatever reason you’ve decided to take me on as your stray – because when I’m single, it seems I’m everybody’s stray – thank you.  You feed me, fix my car, and introduce me to eighteen-year-old Scotch.  You sail me to Mexico in your own sailboat and fly me to the mountains in two-passenger planes.  You put me up in fancy hotels even though I never put out.  You bail me out of trouble – not just threat of eviction and towed cars, but putting me up in your home when mine was occupied by a man who chased me down to the street while he was stark naked.  When I’m shamefaced at all the things you do for me, you say what I give to you in heart and loyalty is thanks enough.  You say the way I look at the world makes you see it as a better place.

I often want to turn around to make sure it’s really me you’re talking about.

Sometimes I see myself as a low-functioning thrill-seeker who should be job-seeking instead.  But you see me as an artist on the cusp of breakthrough.

I’m intent on proving you right.

I do whatever I can for you – cuddle you when the world seems bleak, make up grand adventures for us out of ordinary moments, give you my car when yours is in the shop, and take you to the hospital for your surgery.  I don’t have the patience or skill to put on the proper young lady show, so what you get is just me.  Some of it is proper, but the rest of it isn’t proper at all, and that part lets you be just you.  More than anything, I hold up a mirror to show you how good you are, even when unfettered, and it always surprises me that no one has done that for you before.

Many people don’t understand our friendship.  My other friends have affectionately called me a man-eater, a not-so affectionate term.  They think, they have to be sleeping together.  Nope.  Or, he has to be in love with her.  Sometimes.  But those of you with whom I’ve journeyed over a decade – we could both be genderless and disfigured at this point and it wouldn’t matter.  Each of us would come running for the other.

You claim I’ve saved your life.  Maybe I’ve saved it philosophically.  But you’ve saved mine more than just figuratively.

So it makes sense that the love I feel for you will never wither, go stale, or seek variety.

 

Cathartic Monkeyism

  • It’s not that hard to understand.
  • Being yourself around people allows them to be themselves, and for that, they will love you.

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83 comments

  1. “…telling someone they’re a certain way, even when it isn’t true, makes them strive for it.”
    So, so, so true. That was my a-ha moment.

    1. Tell someone they’re funny, they’ll become funnier, tell them they’re reckless, they’ll do more reckless things. It doesn’t always apply, but much more than we tend to think.

      1. I agree with this completely. That’s the value of friends (because others aren’t likely to lift you up as well…at least not in my experience).

  2. Cheers to this. Men and women can definitely be friends without having that awkward tension that is only bestowed by others, those who assume things that aren’t true. (It probably springs from jealousy.)

    It’s easy to see where you’re coming from, and this feeling is not limited to this post. For I am in debt to women.

    A post in response, to parallel this can be done easily, but not sure if I will tackle it. It was debated about going into a conversation that was had with my parents for a post of mine, due to their referring to me as a jackass and convincing me that I’m turning into the guy that I was not raised to be. It’s not intended to be that jackass either. (And don’t get me wrong, the relationship with my parents is a healthy one.) However, my being blunt and calling things as they seem to be gets me into trouble as far as relationships, which I’m already picky about.

    Anyways, this comment is not to sound about me, but it is praise for you and the affect your writing has on a follower and listener. We just need to embrace ourselves and stick to our guns. If no one likes it, well, it’s their problem.

    1. If you do choose to tackle a parallel post, I’d be excited to read it.

      I have people in my life who are blunt and call things out as they are — I adore these people. I know they could “get in trouble” for their frankness, but not with me. In fact, blunt-speaking people are far too rare.

      Curious about what your parents mean. Care to elaborate?

      1. Oh, my parents got into my continual short-term relationships and calling me a heart breaker. After ending the most recent relationship due to poor communication (I have a strong distaste for texting out full conversations, she does not — there lies or stands the trunk of the tree with problematic branches). There is concern with employment here, in Central New York — having to move will strain the relationship, because her secured job will keep her here for a long time.

        I’ve often mentioned in my blog that I’ve let relationships slip away or there is no specific desire or hook that really captivates me to stay with the person. Sure, they are good women, but if there is no feeling wanted or boredom or there is no connection, why drag a relationship out? They asked if something was wrong with me. Aside being super picky, there isn’t. Mom was concerned if I was gay and hiding it; and the answer to that is no; and if I was, the conversation from this outspoken son would have come up by now.

        Yes, one never really knows how long it takes to fall for someone since we are all different, but if a month goes by and we look at each other as if we’re MOMA displays, or we don’t see eye-to-eye, or conversation naturally fades … well, that’s not healthy.

        However, I’m still “with” this recent woman. I can’t really write about this newest on-off-on-off girl. She’s uber sensitive right now, and we are simply trying things out as “friends.” It’s developing into quite the romantic comedy, if you ask me.

        But as it’s said: “We shall see …”

        I do want to write a parallel post, but I need to take time with it. Allowing myself to avoid redundancies is also a vision, but redundancy is inevitable.

      2. Very interesting.

        Well, enough time has gone by that now you must know the answer to “we shall see.” How did the “romantic comedy” turn out?

        And I wholeheartedly agree about not dragging out relationships that are lackluster.

      3. First, thank you for checking in. It’s warming.

        Well, in the word of Lloyd Dobler, “I gave her my heart, and she have me a pen.”

        Things didn’t pan out as planned. Be became friends, then we dated again for a few days, and then she slammed on the breaks, I questioned the integrity of this before pulling the plug when she showed minimal effort to even stay friends. After a little over a week, she started a words with friends game against me. Not sure if I want to cave just yet.

        The comedic part of this relationship is debating on joining OKcupid again or Match. Started the process for the latter, and have been getting interests already — they can’t message me though. Might just let “chance” or “fate” take over again.

        How is everything with you?

      4. Ah, that’s too bad. But you seem to be dealing with it in an unscathed way, so that’s great.

        I don’t see myself going back to OKCupid or the like, although I’ve been experimenting with Tinder (which I consider different).

        There’s been lots going on, I’ve posted about some. This morning, I’m catching up with everyone else’s blogs. You’re next!

      5. It’s hard to believe that you have trouble finding someone. You’re intelligent, you have a sense of humor, you have a voice and opinion … oh, that’s the type of confidence that we men are intimidated by.

        I’m affected by it, but definitely not entirely unscathed. It’s coming off as more confused than anything else. Yet, I’m finding myself helping others with their dilemmas — I’m fine with that, but it comes a point.

        Tinder … hmm .. maybe being surrounded by a bigger dating pool might help, but we Central New Yorkers have deemed that as a “booty call” app. I met one girl off of there, and that’s all she seemed to want. After we had a little fun, she stopped talking to me. Just be careful.

      6. Thanks for the kind words. I don’t have trouble finding people as much I do finding the specific connection I seek.

        Tinder is known as a hook-up app everywhere, I think. But my profile distinctly says “not casual,” and I’ve met some nice people off of it.

      7. Oh, good. I did not mean to come across all “fatherly.” Haha. But, still, I wish you the best.

      8. I like “fatherly” (and “motherly” too)!

  3. If indeed you are a man eater then it would be only those not worthy of the label…you do not tolerate fools, do you GG. Oh to be one of reference points for such a post for no other reason than you are you…what else is there?

    1. You make me blush.

  4. I loved this. You are a magical sort of creature.

    1. Aussa, you are the very definition of “magical.” It’s exactly what I meant when I said you’re this “bright, glowy thing floating through” that strangely dark world you describe. So, those words from you, mean a whole lot.

      1. You’re both like unicorns farting rainbows and sweating glitter

  5. Beautiful 🙂 Love it. Not an ounce of crazy tree here – just straight-up awesome 🙂

    1. Thank you, my dear. (Although the crazy tree is always lurking beneath. Wouldn’t be fun otherwise, would it?)

  6. Lovelovelove this. I, too, am amazed at the way you look at the world. It makes me want to see things the way you do.

    1. Here’s what’s interesting — I’ve had occasion to notice with admiration how you’ve handled / approached certain situations, and I’ve thought, “I need to learn how to do that.” We could swap trade secrets.

      1. I handled a situation well? Holy shit. Don’t tell anyone. It will ruin my street cred. 😀

  7. I really, really, love this. Friendships/platonic relationships across genders should not be so complex to the outside world. I can relate to this a lot.

    1. I love that you get it. Thank you.

  8. I would love to be able to relate to men like that. I seem to always be in the position where I am trying to be me and connect on a deeper level but they are pushy and always trying to take things into the bedroom. I have not met a man where there is not that pressure, where he does not want something more from me. It’s tiresome.

    1. That is tiresome and I’m sorry to hear it. I’m trying to think if I’ve gotten through to guys like that and if patience ever resulted in a real friendship after the sort of initial pushiness you describe. Probably no friendship that lasted. They’re out there though, guys who relate to women on a human level above anything else, I promise.

  9. “Teaming up in a relationship is a choice and not a necessity.” This line touched me. I wish I would have made more of my younger, single years … my twenties. I spent a decade feeling lonely, instead of alone. If I could do it again, I’d travel the world alone and unafraid, realizing that “alone” is not a bad thing … and avoiding people who made me feel bad about myself, while making me feel less lonely. This is what I try to impart to my daughter. Alone and Lonely are two entirely different states and have relatively little to do with one another!

    1. So completely true: “Alone and Lonely are two entirely different states and have relatively little to do with one another!” It only takes a minor adjustment in thinking to recognize this, and it would make for much happier people.

      Can I just say, if there are things you wish you would’ve done, instead of feeling that way, do them now. Not kidding. I’m not saying take off alone with a backpack for a year. A week or two in a strange land would suffice, and you’d never again think “I wish I had…”

  10. Mike Vogler · · Reply

    I’ve told you before that some of your posts have inspired me, others to laugh and then those to ponder in thought. This one was fantastic for your candor and honesty which I always admire. I’ve been blessed with having so many long term female friends. I guess sometimes for men and women where it doesn’t work can actually be right at the start with miscommunicated presentation. Or the suspicion of an ulterior motive which does exist also from time to time. Often if either sex will just tap the brakes for a few it can work wonders and prevent that feeling of pressure. Anyhoo, just my thoughts with my own friendship journeys. Regardless, I’m grateful and appreciative always to call you my friend, Gunmetal 🙂

    1. Hi Mike! I’m always honored when you call me friend, and in fact, I’ve been meaning to track you down and ask about the July 18th outing you were going to have the last time we chatted. Did you post about it?

      The suspicion of ulterior motive is usually there at the beginning when you meet new people, even if they’re of the same gender. But when we give people enough of a chance, their better selves start poking through. People spend a lot of time protecting that part of themselves. Maybe it’s because the purest parts of us are also the most vulnerable.

      1. Mike Vogler · ·

        Yes, that is quite true often with our purest parts. Also, probably at least a bit of any previous hurts that we may/may not bring to the dance. Great memory to your question! Yes, I did post about that on July 21st in a 3 part subsequent series of posts. Thank you for asking and have an awesome weekend! 🙂

      2. Great, I will look for them!

  11. What a great post. It is nice to have friends that you can count on, regardless of how you feel about them, romantically or otherwise. A good friend like that is rare indeed.

    1. Thanks, Ben. And yes, most definitely. I think we’re all (mostly) warm and kind though, if you peel away the weird layers. I really do.

  12. This was really great, Gigi. I love your honesty about appearances, and how people see you. You are in a fortunate position (maybe?) that people see you as a wonderful person, and so you strive to become that person that people say you are. So many have to work so hard to prove themselves better than what people say they are.

    1. It’s nice to see you here, Helena. A lot of us are in a fortunate position, and I don’t ever forget it. To be clear though, people say I am what they think I am based on my actions. That beginning dance of getting to know people doesn’t start out on even footing for everyone, you’re right, but in the end, for true loyalty, everybody has to work equally hard. I’m sure of this. And I don’t care what a person looks like, if they’re an asshole through and through, no healthy person is going to put up with them, you know?

      1. It’s nice to be seen. Socializing is not my strong suit, and it’s been far too long since I’ve visited.

      2. Come and read when you feel like it, not because you think you should socialize!

      3. Oh, don’t be like that, silly! I love your writing — I read this and thought how great your voice is, and how clear. Your prose is clean and delightful.

      4. Haha, I wasn’t being “like that,” just giving you an out. You’re darling, thank you.

  13. Rock on, GG. “Each of us would come running for the other.” That sums up those deep friendships. And sometimes one doesn’t even realize why the other is running towards them until they get there. That’s stuff beyond gender, and often misinterpreted, because as a culture we’ve never defined love properly–or maybe never given it its freedom to define us without judgment.

    1. That is exactly it: “As a culture we’ve never defined love properly.” Simple, beautiful and fixable.

  14. I’m so happy that this is one of the first posts of yours that I’ve read, I can totally relate. My best friend is a girl, and this sounds so familiar to me. She lives in Washington now, which is kind of sad, but that’s where my grandmother lives…so more incentive to head that way. It’s so true, the part about you holding up a mirror for them to really see how great they are. She did that for me so many times. Great post.

    1. Washington’s a great state, just do it! It means a lot that you get the mirror part, thanks.

  15. There’s no add, GG…in case you’re wondering. One of my new best friends is a man who lives in California, who I’ve ever met in person. I am a happily married woman. He is a single guy, and we are just friends. I am certain he wants nothing more from me, and I want nothing more from him, but his friendship is incredibly important to me and worth to me more than some of the face to face friends I have. I like that I have a go to full of testosterone who can answer my questions about men and be real with me. Some of my female friendships seem less organic, and much more superficial. Does that even make sense?

    So, I’m not sure you’re asking for my opinion, but I’m all about giving it:

    Can a man and woman be just friends? I certainly hope so because that’s all I have to offer.

    Excellent post…as always.

    1. Of course, I absolutely would like your opinion!

      The circumstance you describe is lovely, and I’ve personally come to deeply value the friendships that begin online.

      It does make sense about friendships that seem less organic, but I’d be reluctant to say it has to do with them being women, you know? There are certain characteristics that women bother with more than men do, and that could maybe make for an unpalatable friendship recipe. But based on my own girlfriends, I have to say, I’d give my life for my friendships with women too. Truly.

      “There’s no add.” Help? Can’t decipher.

      1. About the add…at the bottom of your post, you said something like wordpress says they might put an add here,etc, so I just let you know there was no add.

        I didn’t mean to minimize my female friends in any way. I am a devout girlfriend to girlfriends. In fact, I don’t know what I would do some days without my girlfriends. I think the point I was making (maybe) is that sometimes it takes a little longer with women to get past the superficial and into the real relationships that eventually come to surface.

        I hope that makes more sense.

      2. Oh! It actually makes perfect sense — I often have to work much, much harder to gain a woman’s trust.

        (Thanks for explaining about the ad. Sometimes a commercial video shows up for herpes medication or something!)

      3. This whole conversation about cellulite is interesting. Meanwhile, and not because of this thread, I changed my profile name to Mandi, but I will answer to Celly too. P.S. I’ve never eaten fried butter.

      4. I “think” she is referring to me =). I think there is a small percent in the back of her mind that thinks that I am gay. I’m not for the record. Celly (Cellulitelooksbettertan) has become a really good friend. We share a lot together and its not because I am trying to sleep with her. One of my best friends for the last 20 years or so is a woman and it just works. We dont want anything physical and never would. I dont think we tried to become best friends it just happened over time. Dont worry GG. I will be your BBF(Best Blogger Friend)….Wait! I meant 2nd BBF. Celly is my #1.

      5. This is one of my favorite comments on this post! Of course it’d be really weird if Celly has no idea who you are…

      6. She knows me. Trust me. Haha. We have become really good friends actually. We might be in the same bachelor(tv show) pool.

    2. Are you talking about me Celly? (single tear)………If you werent the tear is from allergies. Its a little breezy today.

      1. Only if Celly doesn’t mind sharing, and also, “Celly!” Perfect nickname. Much better than “cellulite.”

      2. I hate the word cellulite. It just sounds gross. Sidenote I am watching the Travel channel right now because thats what cool people do on Saturdays and they are showing people eating fried butter on a stick….I’m all the sudden forgetting the word cellulite. Although the two are somehow related.

      3. I would like to never, ever meet anyone who has ever eaten a fried stick of butter.

      4. Yeah, B. I was talking about you. You should really take a Zyrtec though…for the allergies.

  16. You are an interesting soul.

    1. I will take that, thanks.

  17. HI GG! Neat topic. It nicely addesses some of my own observations. I too have had some good female friends. One of the issues is that society will not accept that and assumptions are always made about a relationship. But even when my women friends are in and out of relationships, it doesn’t seem to affect our friendships. Some of these friendships had some interesting interactions. One of them – Pat (sort for Patricia) -was originally my boss and eventually a colleague. We used to get together Friday after work and go for a drive in her car (I had a beater at the time) – and I mean a DRIVE. We would drive all night and part of the next day and just talk about everything and anything. We would often log 500+ miles. We’d stop to eat and gas-up or for coffee but nothing else. At work we just acted as if we were acquaintances – no one would understand. We were both single at the time.

    I’ve had some other female friends like that as well: another one (Penny) loved the water and we used to drive around visiting rivers and lakes – stopping and watching the water and tress and any animals that happened by.

    It seems that I seek out this type of friend. In a way, they make me complete. It fits well with my theory that only women and men together can get a glimpse of the real way the world works. In a way like binocular vision – there is no physical difference in what each eye (person) sees and yet together a whole other dimension suddenly appears. For someone who has never seen the 3-D representation of the world, it is impossible to describe.

    I agree with Jeff that we need to learn what love really is. Meanwhile, we do the best we can. 😀

    1. I love the binocular analogy. It also reminds me of Aristophanes’ speech in Plato’s Symposium in which Zeus split the original humans in two, so that they’re constantly running around looking for their other half.

  18. You mean When Harry Met Sally isn’t true?!
    Great read.
    LOOOVE the photo of you above, Miss Man-Eater. x

  19. So many comments… What more can I say? You write beautifully and appreciate true friendship. Thank you for thanking your male friends.

    1. At the risk adding one more thanks, thank you so much Kitt.

      1. At the risk of adding one more reply, you are most welcome.

  20. I’m 46 and still too immature to separate friendship love and sex. No offence GG but you sound like the kind of woman I should stay away from. It’s a good thing we will most likely never meet. I would probably fall in love with you, and destroy whatever friendship may exist. I have female friends but I don’t see them socially except in groups. I’ve been married for 21 years, but it would be far too dangerous for me, and for any woman to whom I was attracted, for us to spend time alone as “friends”. I’m too weak. Apparently I’m having a mid life crisis at the moment. It isn’t fun. Another great post GG.

    1. I appreciate this comment very much because it offers a completely different perspective.

      It’s human and natural for heterosexual opposite genders to feel that blurred line, and at first it takes effort to work past it. It’s usually worth it though.

      It’s a different situation entirely if one or both parties are married. Under that circumstance, in order to respect the spouse, your way is best — hang out with the opposite gender in groups.

  21. where you discovered I’m a “shit storm of trouble,” <<< Haa. You always crack me up!

    Echoing all the others, I love this. I'm still with my (super hot) BFF-hetero-guy-mate-for-life, but if I were single, I'd be sounding a lot like this post. I am waaaay too picky. (And probably neurotically so. I did the whole "online dating thing" for all of 3 days once. I had an obscene amount of winks and PM's, and when a guy finally wanted to come and pick me up, I deleted my whole account, sort of hyperventilating. Yeah, I'm probably neurotic.)

    1. Someone actually texted that I’m a “shit storm of trouble” after reading this blog, so he deserves the credit…

      Wait, so you’re back with your Adonis? Or is this a different one? (I have a whole Adonis post up — you may get a kick out of it. It’s the bikini one.)

      1. I’ll be sure to check that out (after I nurse this migraine out of my head- it’s a bad one!). Yes, the same one (Josh). I’ve been with him off and on for 8 years now. You know, it’s better that “shit storm guy” saw your blog rather than mine. He’d have really had a hard time with my porn-guy post and the subsequent guitar smashing post that followed. The worst of all of that is that I wasted an entire bottle of pure carrot juice on that guitar! (After smashing it.)

        Anyway, yeah. Better you than me…heheh.

      2. Links to both, please!

      3. Unfortunately, you’re a wee bit too late. I made Adonis a promise that I would never a.) smash another guitar (or porn monitor) of his and b.) post about it.

        To show him how well-behaved I’d become, I made the posts private.Totally against my MO, but it keeps the peace. ;0)

  22. I have to tell you that I admire your honesty and your ability to put every card out on the table in such a way that the reader feels like they have been given a prize. This is an incredibly insightful piece. You are an interesting person and I believe the world needs more people just like you.

    I sit here thinking, do I have male friends? I do but they are a benefit of being married to my husband. Sadly, I don’t like many of the men I encounter in my life because they are all married to women I can’t stand and part of a herd mentality. That said, it’s a real treat and eye opener to be able to share a piece of a life so very different from mine.

    1. Sandy, you wrote a comment I love — thoughtful, multi-layered and revealing once we get to your personal experience.

      I value you reading and your insight — my deepest thanks.

      (I won’t comment on “the herd mentality” in order to spare you of a crazed tangent!)

  23. It’s refreshing to meet someone who wants to connect on a deeper level before getting intimate. I always thought that if I were single again, I’d be an anomaly. BTW, you are refreshing in more ways than one. Having said that, I agree with you to a point about telling someone they are something and they strive to become it. I would say that is especially true when we are children. My parents (mostly Mom), told me exactly what I was every day, and most of it wasn’t good. I believed her and became it. It wasn’t until I moved 1,200 miles away from family, that I realized my mom was seeing HERSELF in me and not necessarily me. It started to dawn on me that I really wasn’t those things to begin with, and I didn’t have to continue to be those things as an adult. I could be the original me I had been born to be. Wait, what? Okay, so it’s confusing, but as an adult, I try to discern when people tell me what or who I am, although, I tend to do an over amount of introspecting. Whew! Thanks for the post, and reading this long comment.

    1. I have an interesting relationship with my own mother, so I understand where you’re coming from. I also moved nearly 3,000 miles away from my family, which greatly improved my relationship with all of them!

      Thanks for your kind words and telling me about you. I look forward to hearing more.

  24. I used to be called a man-eater when I was younger, though the phrase ‘the terminator’ was more likely to be used. As though I am not allowed to decide who I give chances to, and why, and when their chances end.

    And of course men and women can be friends. Even men that can’t treat women as more than a potential fuck can have female friends that they are truly platonic friends with. Most of my friends are men. Although, I think it is easier for me because many men find me less attractive once they get to know my personality (you know, the whole weird giant squid thing) and I am not all that attractive to begin with.

    And in case you were going to assure me that I am, it’s okay. I am not being down on myself. I am aware of my good and bad qualities both physically and personality-wise and I am fine with not being everyone’s cup of tea.

    1. You’re right, of course, about the men who can’t treat women more than a potential for sex. But they’ll never admit it!

  25. Hello…I miss you…

    1. Hi…I’m here. Just posted something.

  26. I read so much of your stuff straight off fb and my phone won’t ever let me comment but I think I told you already (there) how much I really liked this post.

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