Reflection and Resignation

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R

Letter R is for resignation and the acceptance of unwanted things.

                                                                                                                                                       
A to Z entries:  My post for each letter of the alphabet will be anecdotes or musings based on an element from the previous letter’s post.  Names always changed, events always real.

 ~ Letter Q was for Quitting, and so now a different sort of…resignation. ~


 
How do you write what you planned about rhythm or roaming, or something that relates the two together, when you sit with the likes of an avocado pit in your throat while staring at the computer generated “blank page?”

I have inadvertently hurt a friend.  I write each word now with a ten second pause in between, processing her words and waiting for the squeeze in my chest to give way to comfortable breathing.

I’ve long learned that if I have, for example, an audition, I must avoid all potential conflict just prior to, because I’m not able to shake off the emotions before getting on camera.

The emotional disquietude that plagues me if someone feels wronged by me is immobilizing.  Even if it’s unjustified and due to misinterpretation on their part.  Their pain, reflected back to me, is stronger than my will, just as kicking in my legs from behind would make me fall to my knees.

In this, my fifty-first post, I stare at the screen with unfocused eyes and my head murmuring, I don’t want to do this anymore.  I have fallen to my knees.

Is it because when someone tells you that you’re the author of their injury, in a way they’re also telling you that they love you?

Once we bring this responsibility of love to each other’s attention, I tumble down a brambly descent of self-hate and distress over how hard I now must work to deserve such love.  Why do we feel we owe something to those who love us?  Do we fear we’d wither without them?

She felt slighted.  There is nothing outlandish about the story — people feel hurt for a hundred unremarkable reasons.  How she arrived is secondary to where she ended up:  Hurt.  By me.  But it’s me who’s knocked to the ground by the force of the rebound.

If I had read her email four hours ago, this post might still be about roaming or rhythm.  But all I have is the death of motivation and catatonia of passion, and pushing through with drivel is maiming what little will remains.

For tonight, I’m resigned.  I have nothing of value to say.  

And so I will stop.


~ Part of the A to Z Challenge ~
A post a day except Sunday for the month of April to cover topics beginning with each letter of the alphabet.

Cathartic Monkeyism returns in May.


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22 comments

  1. Regret, perhaps more rightly Remorse, leading to Repentance, Restitution if needed and ultimately Restoration…so many “R’s”

    1. Yes, R is interesting that way. I would feel “remorse” if I had actually done something…

  2. Paul · · Reply

    I’m with REDdog on this one. I couldn’t have said it better. You’re half way there, just keep going and you’ll be out the other side. It’s a rough ride so please keep all body parts inside the roller-coaster rig until you reckon it’s reached a complete rest. Righto! Rrrrr, matey.

      1. Paul · ·

        C’mon now, a little more heart please; “RAWR! RAWR!” Now your turn, let’s hear it…

  3. ” I have nothing of value to say.” – All of this was valuable. I think we have all been there, and you captured the feelings intensely. I think this person can see this and see the sincerity in it. Be strong.

    1. Laura, that is sweet and kind, and means a lot.

  4. Ugh, those things can suck the life out of the hour, day, month. Scooby Doo’s “Ruh-roh!” might work here too for a title. But you know, Scooby always found his way out of those scary predicaments. And usually the monster turned out to be some normal guy. You may just need to meddle a little more to unmask whatever it is. Good luck, GG.

    1. I think the monster, without exception, was always a normal person. And, thanks.

  5. “The emotional disquietude that plagues me if someone feels wronged by me is immobilizing. It’s stronger than my will, just as kicking in my legs from behind would make me fall to my knees.”

    This. I am the same way.

    1. Yeah, it kills me. So often it’s better to be the injured party.

      1. Sometimes, yeah.

  6. cedrixclarke · · Reply

    There is no comfort in saying ‘this too shall pass’ but it’s true. We hurt people, whether friends, bystanders, or even enemies, and we care, so we hurt too. Then we make amends and move on, or we don’t make amends and still move on (albeit slower and with grief/anger/hurt). It seems the harm you caused was inadvertent, and there is solace in that. I hope your friend can recognize this and finds in her heart to forgive/forget, so that you can be at peace. And her as well.

  7. Would you find it silly if I told you that I know how you feel? Because I did a similar thing to an old school friend of mine yesterday. And, I have the tightening in my chest and the dull buzzing in my head today morning when I woke up and after I remembered what I had texted on Whatsapp in front of the whole group of friends the night before. And, I brought up the app and texted an apology immediately, and it was like she was waiting for it because within a few seconds she replied and all seems to be well, but I am still recovering.

    1. No, I don’t find it one bit silly that human hearts would experience any feeling the same way. Thanks for sharing yours.

  8. brooke212nyny · · Reply

    GG,
    This was a beautifully written post and you need not fret. I know the “injured party” very well, as well as I know myself, and she is no longer feeling hurt! You said yourself in a response to a comment that you did nothing wrong, and she was very happy to receive your thoughtful message explaining your point of view. She tends to take things too personally and lets herself lose sleep over the slightest of perceived slights, the smallest bit of possible insult. All is well again and she highly values your friendship. She felt worse about making you sad than she felt as a result of the original instance….xoxo

    1. Is that cat licensed for massage therapy?

      1. brooke212nyny · ·

        Haha! Actually it is a still from “Breakfast at Tiffany.” Am I even allowed to use it as my photo, do you know???

      2. Based on the number of times I’ve seen images of Audrey Hepburn on gravatars, I’d say no. Heck, I’d say that she is the patron saint of wordpress bloggers.

        Hey GG, on to S, yes?

      3. brooke212nyny · ·

        Great! Thanks so much! I love this image and I strongly identify. 🙂
        Yes, I am also very excited to read GG’s post for S! Actually starting to get upset seeing as we are almost at Z! 🙂

  9. I’m new here, but I must say, your words are so eloquent they swept me away through this,carrying me along the peaks and valleys of your emotions. I hope your situation can be resolved. All the best.

  10. lrconsiderer · · Reply

    A thousand times yes. It’s like the bottom falls out of your heart and you plummet through.

    *sigh*

    I hope things are better.

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