Drunks!

wordpress blog stats

D

Letter D is for debacles with the inebriated.

                                                                                                                                                       

A to Z entries:  My post for each letter of the alphabet will be anecdotes or musings based on an element from the previous letter’s post.  Names always changed, events always real.

 ~ Letter C was for how a Cat Nature reacts to excessive proximity, and there’s no group more oblivious to boundaries than…drunks. ~


Drunks!

They all fall into a pattern: The Happy Drunk. The Belligerent Drunk. The Sloppy Drunk.

And of course, the Obliterated Drunk.

I don’t mention bold or impulsive drunks, because boldness and impulsivity are accompanying satellites to planet drunk.

I don’t include philosophical drunks either, because they talk too much, and since you’ve likely heard everything imaginable from them, you don’t need to hear about them.

Happy Drunks

Happy Drunk is what anyone who drinks aspires to, and is in fact, probably the only reason why anyone drinks in the first place. That and the instant supernatural ice-breaking with which the new, bold you charms the room, or fails to recognize the difference if you happen to be uncharming. At least you’re Happy!

And that’s quite charming to yourself.

Your cheeks are aflush with the warmth of a magical glow from inside and your brain’s not going to remind you that the warmth is actually an invading toxin messing with your blood chemistry. Nor will it give you any indication that if you don’t curb your intake right about now, it’s going to wage war to oust the invader and use your wretched body as battleground.

Belligerent Drunks

We hate you. You hate yourself. That’s why you get thrown out of places. You spit at people, kick car tires and punch walls. You look for fights. It’s your pastime. You think you need to release your aggression, but really, you’re looking for someone to beat that self-loathing right out of you. Try this instead: Stop drinking. Seek help. You might discover you can actually be loved. But right now, we fantasize about breaking chairs Western-style over your head to pacify you.

Sloppy Drunks

The Sloppy Drunk is mushier than rot. Maybe they’re endearing with their newfound surge of affection, but more often, they’re annoying as fuck. They “suddenly” love you, just love you, oh and love you so so much. They somehow weigh a hundred pounds more than they did half an hour ago and insist on letting you know by leaning all over you or dangling their anvil arm on you. Be prepared to bear the weight of their gushing, heretofore repressed emotions, or that of gathering their oozing, floppy body at the end of the night. They lumber, sway, and slur. And they need your protection from the Belligerent Drunk ambling over for an easy target. That means a bunch of drunks just conspired to take away your Happy buzz.

All of us have known all of them. Some of us have been some of them. And a few of us have handled a few of them.

It seems I am particularly adept at finding myself in the presence of Obliterated Drunks.

Obliterated Drunk One…

Picture three 85-pound teenage girls, sleepover, no adult presence, and three forty-ounce beers in a tiny NYC studio apartment.

Carla and I slept fine. But poor Amanda had to pee in the middle of the night.

So she got up and walked to the stove.

The teeny open kitchen wasn’t too far behind our heads, and there, Amanda opened the oven, pulled down her bottoms, and sat on the oven door to relieve herself.

Somewhere during her relief, Carla’s mom walked into the studio. It turned out it wasn’t middle of the night at all, but early morning. She started screaming at Amanda, Amanda was roused from her stupor / sleepwalking / whatever it was, and swore it wasn’t urine.

All the while, her pajama pants were down at her knees.

“I’m gonna send it to the laaaab!” Carla’s mom hollered in her New York accent.

In my half-sleep state, I wondered where Carla’s mom had been all night.

That wasn’t to be my last experience with an Obliterated Drunk’s urinary mishaps.

Obliterated Drunk Two…

I was a 100-pound kid when I moved to Los Angeles. I was in my twenties and someone thought it was a good idea to make me a manager at a nightclub on Sunset. They weren’t wrong; I was good at keeping my staff happy and handling the weekend mob vying for tables. The club was a big venue with claims to Guns’n Roses on its stage way back when. I managed the fine-dining mezzanine, which boasted best views of the stage, and all notions of “fine” going the way of barnyard animals on a Saturday night.

I was happy there, and only had one repeated request: I need a bouncer up here on weekends. I never got one. So when it came time to bounce, I did the bouncing.

The club lights were dim. Patrolling my floor to make sure all was as it should be, I noticed activity in the wheelchair access lift. It was directly behind the first tables. Three-star dining tables, the chef kept reminding us.

In the corner of the lift, there was a man-sized, man-looking beast. And he was taking a piss.

The fury that overtook me usurped logic and prudence; all sound went dead, and all sight went white. Except for my target. And I charged him.

“WHAT are you doing!” I hollered.

I grabbed his ear, perhaps because it was the highest appendage on his body and furthest from his hands and other parts. By that same ear, I dragged him all the way down the stairs and delivered him to a bouncer with, “He’s permanently BANNED!”

All of this was possible because I was dealing with an Obliterated Drunk, and they’re surprisingly pliable at any size. They hold no resistance or tension in their body, which is why they generally don’t get hurt and laugh instead when they tumble down a flight of stairs. This beast didn’t roll down the stairs as I dragged him by the ear, although it would have been faster if he did.

Obliterated Drunk Three…

My feather-light girlfriend came to pick me up from the airport, and after, I took her out for a drink at a restaurant. Two, to be exact. A quarter of the way through the second drink, she became an instant Happy Drunk, already excited for a third drink because she didn’t want the yummy feeling to go away. Well. The yummy feeling quickly turned into nausea, and Happy turned into Obliterated. Not even two drinks in.

It was weird, roofie weird. Yet we were the only ones sitting at the bar, and I knew I hadn’t roofied her.

So on this night, I watched a drink and a half bring on a most brutal case of alcohol poisoning. On the way home, I had to pull over five times for her.

Finally, I brought her up to my apartment. I sat her on the bed with a glass of water and a piece of bread, and went down again to park the car. Once back up, I couldn’t find her. Until I went into the kitchen.

There she was, sleeping on the tiled floor like a newborn kitten.

She’d gone in to use the trash bag as a sick bucket. She couldn’t handle being moved, so I put a pillow under head, and a blanket over her. She slept soundly through the night.

Obliterated Drunk Four…

I had only met him once at a party, months before. But we texted on and off, especially after he’d read a Gunmetal Geisha post. On one occasion after a gallery opening, I wasn’t ready to be done with my night. He and I had texted throughout the evening, so after the gallery, I decided to drive to where he was.

He’d been trying to get together with me for weeks and he was finally getting his wish.

It took me a while to find the out-of-the-way downtown bar. I parked in the lot and saw five or six large men tottering on the curb. As soon as I walked toward them to see if my friend was among them, all but one jumped into a car that must have been waiting. They took their time adjusting and slamming doors.

Sure enough, the one left in the street, swaying and holding a full glass of beer, was my friend.

He was even taller than I remembered and looked far too big for me to hold up should he choose to collapse in his Obliterated state.

So I ran to the idling car full of men and yelled, “Wait!”

As soon as I reached it, they took off. Naturally, I was infuriated.

In a flash, I grabbed my friend — whom I wasn’t sure recognized me — by the arm and led him to the front seat of my car. I got in on the other side, confiscated his glass, emptied it out the window, and screeched out of the lot in pursuit of the car full of men.

The first coherent words came out of my friend as my foot slammed the gas pedal and the car noisily gained speed:

“Oh shit.”

I overtook the other car. It was a deserted street and I swerved in front of it to block it. It stopped.

I jumped out and stomped over. But I made the mistake of approaching an Obliterated Drunk in the back who wouldn’t roll down the window. Instead, he kept staring at me with dumb eyes and someone else prompted the driver to steer around my car and take off. I was stuck with a massive guy — as in muscular and much stronger than me — whom I barely knew, waiting in my car.

“Where do you live?” I asked him. He told me, and it would have meant a two-hour roundtrip for me.

“Yeah, I’m not driving you there,” I said, fuming. “And you’re not coming to my place.” Instead I drove back to the bar, and delivered him to bartender.

The next day, I received texts of apologies, even though he had no recollection of me having been there. But he saw our text exchange.

“It’s fine,” I said. “But you know I’m going to write about this.”

“Somehow I was afraid of that,” he replied.

Indeed.

It might be that the key to moderation is pre-judgment, because by the time you need your good judgment, it might already be impaired.

In fairness, there are those who could write about no less spectacular episodes of mine.

But it sure isn’t going to be me.


~ Part of the A to Z Challenge ~
A post a day except Sunday for the month of April to cover topics beginning with each letter of the alphabet.

Cathartic Monkeyism returns in May.


Sign Up

   for new GG posts

GG◊  Thanks for your comments, shares and likes. Most of all, sincere thanks for reading.
◊  If you enjoy and want more GG, do sign up!
◊  You can also follow GG verbal and pictorial missives on TwitterFacebook and  Instagram.


You’re the best part of blogging
~ so tell me everything ~


WordPress informs me that below this paragraph, some random ad might appear unless I spring for the no-ad upgrade. If so, apologies.

Advertisements

32 comments

  1. lrconsiderer · · Reply

    Oh come ON! I wrote about mine!

    I’m an AMAZING happy drunk. Right until the time it becomes the done thing to Drink All The Drink. And then Oh dear a lot!

    Your poor friend peeing in the oven *giggling*

    1. Never!

  2. I’m a happy drunk…

    1. Cheers…!

    2. That’s surprising considering that you’re a Bengals fan haha! 😉

      [insert Lions joke here]

      1. Well, that’s why I drink. Partially.

      2. Pssh..I would!

  3. I like the “drink in moderation” non drunk. Drunkenness, in whatever form, is a bit sad imo. Sorry to sound like a wowser but too many people don’t know when to say “enough” and alcohol abuse is a major contributing factor to the misery which surrounds us.

    1. Completely. I hope I got that idea across in the post.

  4. You are an excellent storyteller. Obliterated and sloppy drunks in my mind tend to be on even playing fields. I don’t want to take care of *any* of that. Even happy drunk gets a little bit annoying, unless you are also a bit tipsy.

    Often the stories of the obliterated drunk make great (and funny) stories after the fact, but when they occur at the time, tend to be more work than I would like to partake in.

    1. Oh, I agree.

  5. I can’t handle more than two drinks…I just fall asleep so I’m not sure which category that places me in! I definitely don’t remember peeing in an oven!! 😛

    1. Two drinks is a good limit for everyone, in my opinion.

  6. Paul · · Reply

    Very funny post GG. Love the story of Amanda peeing in the oven and then denying it. And you, in a rage, dragging the big guy down the stairs by his ear. HA! I’m a happy drunk as well. I can recall leaving a bar early one morning (when they closed) with some friends, all of whom were either happy or obliterated drunks except for one – who was an angry drunk(AD). The AD accidently walked into a parking meter and got so infuriated that the parking meter had the audacity to be in his way, that he set upon it with a fury I’d seldom seen before. He smashed and shook and raged at it until it actually came out of the cement, whereupon he brandished it by the pole like a hammer and beat the head right off it on the sidewalk, whilst screaming obscenities. The rest of us stood there dumfounded, too drunk to even comprehend what was happening and clueless how to act – short of standing there gawping. I never drank with him again. Believe me. When he was sober he was smiley but oily and I never trusted him. I truly believe, as you mentioned GG, that you get the most honest look at people’s psyches when they are drunk. And his psyche was pitch black.

    So, great post – 4 down and only 22 to go! Ha!

    1. Leave it to you to remind me of the gargantuan task ahead, seeing as I’m incapable of brief missives! Haha.

      I didn’t actually say that you get the most honest look at people’s psyche when they’re drunk. Where did you see that? Unless you mean the sloppy drunk who expresses previously repressed emotion. I think alcohol affects people differently, and perhaps in some, their true nature comes out, but in others, it masks it.

      1. Paul · ·

        Yeah, apologize for the misinterpretation. I went into the story believing that and so that’s what I saw. Still, I believe there’s some legitimacy to the concept – it shows when a person is hateful at heart (either of themselves or someone/thing else) and the reduction of inhibition caused by alcohol lets it spew out. Most people are not (in my experience) violent inside and general characteristics cannot be assumed from drunken behaviour. – just hateful or violent people.

      2. This is true in a lot of cases.

  7. Nadia · · Reply

    GG, I am so glad I found your blog I might be mistaken for a happy drunk. This time without me dry-humping a wine bottle. I love love your writing, and your stories are hilarious.

    I could tell you a few hilarious drunk stories, but unfortunately most of them exist on film and not in my memory.

    1. I’m glad you found me too, and that it didn’t require a bottle! Looking forward to reading your stories…

      What do you mean they exist “on film?”

      1. Thank you, GG! With film, I mean photos. What are friends for but to snap you during your best Amy Winehouse moment?

  8. maurnas · · Reply

    I actually dislike the sloppy drunk the most. But I hate being touched. And they are all about touching all over you.

    1. I know, I know… It’s just, some of my dearest friends are sloppy drunks, so I don’t have the option of “disliking.”

  9. The thing I’ve found is that breaking chairs over people absolutely, without a doubt, each and every time, 100% of the time MUST be done Western Style. Otherwise, you’re just not doing it right, partner.

    *golf clap*

    1. Exactly.

      1. Damn, you’re fast! Tell me, do you have psychic abilities? Please say yes, because I don’t think we have a psychic post on LAP yet.

      2. Keep going through the alphabet and see for yourself…

      3. Ok I’m thinking of a letter right now between A and Z, but it’s not B or L. Pick three more constenants and a vowel. No wait, wrong game. Ok, back to the Psychic Test: remember, between A and Z, no B or L

        Go.

      4. Haha, meanwhile you’re not great at deciphering (that particular comment)… You’re on “D” for drunks, I’ve written “E” and “F” too. That’s what I was referring to.

        But if you insist.

        “N.”

      5. You’re not good at deciphering either, Psychic. Because I was telepathically requesting that your answer be phrased as a question.

        And no. It is not ‘N’

        Because I also telepathically changed the rules and clearly stated that it was not ‘N’ either.

        You get my vote though. \m/

      6. See, now you know.

      7. It was K by the way..

      8. Of course it was.

Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: