Dating for Martians: Does Online Dating Mean Defeat?

Online Dating for Martians

The extent of my domestic dream equals having my own washer and dryer.

                                                                                                                                                       

~ This story begins with Dating for Martians (Part 1) ~

We are hiking. A mix of green and arid canyon views surrounds us as we climb a steep trail. She is one of the most beautiful girls I know — high cheekbones, poreless skin, the whole bit. We’re both slender and wearing baseball hats to protect our faces from the sun. We’re huffing and puffing because we haven’t hiked for a while. But the panting doesn’t keep us from the subject at hand. She tells me she’s thinking of moving away from Los Angeles because she’s tired of being single and believes there are no good men here.

I don’t agree with her; I meet plenty of good men. I just haven’t wanted to take things further with any. Maybe after three excellent long-term relationships, I’m extra choosy. It also happens that I enjoy being on my own more than average. I’m relieved not to share a bathroom or worry about neglecting someone when I need alone time. We’ve all been drilled on how it takes hard work for a successful relationship, so singlehood has me spoiled by sparing me from compromise and sacrifice.

In short, there’s absolutely no reason for me to be in a relationship unless my very sense is shaken out.

The truth is, I’d really like someone to shake the sense right out of me.

I may be Martian in spirit, devoid of the instinct for marriage, family and security. But I’ve accepted that I’m wired like every other human being who seeks basic companionship. I’m a mammal, dammit. My blood runs warm. And mammals cuddle — there’s no escaping it.

“Do you want me to set you up with Genevieve’s neurosurgeon friend?” My friend asks during our hike.

“No, I don’t like doctors,” I tell her for maybe the fifth time in the last few years.

“Every girl wants to date a doctor,” she says confidently.

“Wrong,” I say with equal confidence. “I’m into artistic guys.”

“Yet you went out with a doctor,” she throws out.

“That doesn’t count. He hadn’t been a doctor long. Plus, he wore flip-flops and surfed.”

“– and you really liked him.”

“I did.” But not because of his medical degree. She’ll never accept I went out with him in spite of the doctor part.

“Let me call Genevieve for you,” she says in between pants. “Neurosurgeon trumps podiatrist.”

“He wasn’t a podiatrist!”

“The neurosurgeon is tall and forty,” she pauses, “but balding.” We stand in the middle of the hill, catching our breath; debating isn’t easy when climbing an unforgiving incline.

“Doesn’t matter on a handsome face,” I say. Subjecting men to the same scrutiny regarding appearance as they do to women only makes me feel mildly guilty.

“I’m setting it up.” We start up the hill again.

“No! Why aren’t you going out with him?”

“Because I met him when Genevieve was setting him up with Barbara. It’d be weird. I’m giving him to you.”

“No thanks. ‘Give’ him to someone else.”

“He’s picky and I just can’t watch a neurosurgeon go to waste!”

“Why can’t he find his own dates?!” I ask.

“He has no time — he is a neu-ro-sur-geon!”

I rea-lly-don’t-give-a-shit.

A few days later, we both decide to join an online dating site. We think maybe we’ll discover guys we find appealing by simply specifying our preferences. She has a height requirement and enters straight into her profile that guys under a certain height should not contact her. I suggest it might be better to leave that out, even though I know it’s no different than guys who have unspoken boob requirements. But at least, they know better than to announce, “such and such cup-sizes need not apply.” In some ways, I admire her gall and get pretty specific in my own profile. You can be sure if I’m subjecting myself to online dating, I have a shopping list of sought attributes.

Martian

Me, in the traditional garb of my kind

Why do some of us find resorting to online dating humiliating? Maybe we think it’s admitting defeat and view our profiles as public advertisement for having failed to will someone suitable to materialize on our path. After all, not having produced someone at will might be mistaken for not having attracted them. That would explain the variety of disclaimers online-daters include at the top of their profiles: They signed up for “shits and giggles.” It was a dare. Their friend signed them up. A home invader in the middle of the night broke in with an ax and forced them.

It crossed my mind too, the nonchalant approach and posting only the corner of my face so that I’d be unrecognizable to anyone who might know me. But if I was going to sign up, there was no point in half-assing it. I have a simple policy: Either don’t do the thing you’re ashamed of, or don’t be ashamed of it. I chose not to be ashamed of online dating.

The problem is, I don’t want to discover someone suitable; I want to discover someone miraculous. Because having a bathroom to myself isn’t easy to give up. There is more truth in that than joke.

Being bereft of common white picket fence desires is beyond liberating for a woman. Isn’t it telling that men rarely apply the word “liberating” to themselves? I’m not talking feminism, but rather, liberation from some women’s own preconceived idea of who they should be: Bride, mother, career professional, master chef, enchantress, nester in a two-story home decorated just-so.

People with mainstream ideals might find the very different list of roles I expect of myself obnoxious: Seeker of enlightenment, independent-thinker, friend, artist, traveler, humane individual. I’d throw “enchantress” into the mix too for some fun, but the rest of the first list hasn’t ever mattered to me.

I can think of nothing I adore more than children. But with impending overpopulation and there being enough bright-eyed, intelligent beings in my family who look just like me and will grow up to do wonderful things, I choose to remain biologically childless. Breathing is easy without the female imperative’s time-bomb — “biological clock” doesn’t adequately describe the panic of every unmarried mid-thirties woman who wants children. I wish I could enfold each one in my arms to assure them it’ll be okay either way.

The extent of my domestic dream equals having my own washer and dryer, and that’s only because I’m not communally inclined nor do I like to think about other people’s germs. As a fan of citrus, I might find my own lemon tree pleasant too. The end.

None of this rules out love. Recently, I spent time in New York, where I used to live and all the people I love most still do. Seeing each clutched my heart with profound joy. These are men, women, children, family and friends. I remembered how easily love can be eternal. Even if I repeat the same moments with these people throughout my life — the moment we embrace hello, or our eyes meet in understanding, or we simultaneously explode into laughter — I’d never tire of it.

Genuine, pure love transcends everything: passage of time, appearance, death of sexual passion, routine, hardship. And I believe we seek to focus a great portion of our love on a partner, not predominantly so we can “mate” for fun or procreation, but so we can call someone ours every time we wake up.

So yes, not compromising or sharing a bathroom is great. There is energy and vigor in freedom. But where freedom is caffeinated, love is intoxicated. For me, romantic love is a cozy luxury I’ve had and can do without.

But I don’t want to.

My initial reluctance to online dating wasn’t about some philosophical preference whereby you’re supposed to meet people by chance. It was an aesthetic resistance, the same way I refuse to watch reality shows, or wouldn’t wear tiger-print leggings. It’s about personal taste, and at first I kept thinking, what if the guy I want stays clear of dating sites for the same reason? Then again, if I’m there taking a chance, who’s to say he isn’t? So I’m giving myself a few months on one dating site and putting in reasonable effort. The results have been generally positive and subject to future discussion.

As for my girlfriend with the gorgeous cheekbones, she happily reports she’s been contacted by a tall, forty-three-year-old cardiologist.

For me, online dating is not admitting defeat. It’s admitting there is triumph in love.

~ Continued at Dating for Martians: The Tally ~

 
Cathartic Monkeyism

  • It’s okay to openly seek love for love’s sake.  It’s not weak.  It doesn’t admit defeat.  It admits there’s triumph in love.
  • Don’t do the thing you’re ashamed of.  Or don’t be ashamed of it.

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136 comments

  1. I picture you crafting your narratives like a person who delicately trims and keeps a bonsai tree. At least, that’s how the narrative speaks to me with regards to craft. If I sat here and counted the ways in which I love this piece, we’d be here all day.

    1. Thank you, the bonsai analogy is exquisite — you have no idea how much it means to me when someone notices / cares for the crafting behind the content. Craft, more than any other aspect, is what brings me here in the first place.

  2. Melanie · · Reply

    This is so timely for me. I’ve not yet worked through to have courage enough for online dating, but I have started to accept that is really is ok for me to enjoy the company of a man, a partner, and that there isn’t weakness in that, but my own humanity.

    Good luck! I wouldn’t have accepted a date with the neurosurgeon either. I’d much prefer a musician.

    1. It’s a matter of recognizing that it’s a desire and not a need. Wanting to share, wanting to walk side by side, are some of the better traits of humanity.

      I relate to your ambivalence about online dating, believe me, but my personal experiences have been predominantly positive.

      I’d take even an unemployed (but talented!) musician over a neurosurgeon.

  3. What a lovely, well-written post — I almost think that it should be your online dating profile! It reveals so much about you — and in such an honest, endearing way!

    1. Why thanks! I’ll definitely cover my dating profile in another post…

  4. We may be the same person; in fact, I felt like this was written about me. I kept nodding my head in agreement at so much of what you’ve said. I have never wanted marriage or a family, but I do want a long-lasting and meaningful connection.

    Right now I’m really enjoying the new friendships I’m cultivating, the new skills I’m learning, planning a multitude of trips this year, and the free time to finally pursue my dream of writing for money. I often wonder how much of this I could do if I was with another person. Even satisfying relationships take work, and I’m not sure I want to work on anything but myself right now.

    “The only difficulty is, I don’t want to discover someone suitable. I want to discover someone miraculous, because having a bathroom all to myself isn’t going to be easy to give up. There is more truth in that than joke.” This is why dating online is a totally viable option in my opinion. We should be willing to go anywhere to find a person like this because they’re rare, and you never know where they’ll be lurking.

    1. It was written about you (and me, and people like us). Your middle paragraph, sounds like a wonderful life — an ideal life!

  5. You’re far too pretty for online dating. Besides, it’s funner torturing them in person. And this is just about the best sentence I’ve ever read: “I’m a damn mammal.” It’s hard to top that sentence and everything else is just a try-hard. THE best. Mind if I use that? Likely scenario: “What’s wrong with you?” he asks. “I’m a damn mammal,” I say, unapologetically. Or, “Do you take this man to be your beloved husband?” asks the minister. “I’m a damn mammal,” I whisper, as I look into his bejeweled eyes. Snarky, lovingly- it just works.

    And I tell you, the next guy I hook up with? I’m going to say those very words as I smash his computer, “Are you freaking kidding me, dude?! Really? How could you?! I’m a damn mammal!”

    I like that one best. :0)

    1. There are lots of pretty people on dating sites! Also, I just spent 1600 words on why it’s okay to go the online dating route…

      As far as “torturing them in person,” now what kind of a “humane individual” would that make me…?

      I almost choked on my salad reading all of your hilarious “I’m a damn mammal” scenarios…

      By all means, use it everywhere. I will too. You’re right.

  6. 1,600? Are you sure it’s not 1,585?

    Not that I…ran it through my…Microsoft Word program just to make sure or anything. Because that would be weird. And I’m not weird. And I’ll consider that your official permission to use the “damn mammal”. :0) That’s a Saturday Night Live skit waiting to happen.

    1. I’m not going to read your comments while trying to eat anymore! I’m a mammal dammit, not a self-resuscitating paramedic.

  7. I couldn’t pick, because there are so many pieces of this that I love, but it was probably this sentence, “My love would always glow, and make me glow.” that resonated most with me. You most definitely deserve someone miraculous! Good luck on your journey. 🙂

    1. That’s lovely, thank you.

  8. mike · · Reply

    I really like your “Don’t do the thing you’re ashamed of. Or don’t be ashamed of it” line. A good way to look at things. I am sure your online adventures will be quite entertaining.

    1. You know me, I’ll make sure to be entertaining about it.

  9. Paul · · Reply

    OK. When I read this post initially (within a few hours of when you posted it) it didn’t do anything for me. That has never happened before with your posts Gunmetal Geisha. I thought maybe I was just missing it, so I reread it a few more times. Still nothing. So, I let it percolate for a day or so, went back and reread it. I felt like I should be able to comment as it has always been easy for me to get inspiration (sometimes dynamite) from your writing. Nothing. Blank. So, I dutifully wrote a paragraph that was so bland, I stopped and left it without sending. This morning I get up and reread the post (6th time) and THEN the comments. And I got it – I finally realized why it made no sense to me. The clue was that, up to that time, there were 6 comments (unique initial) on Martian Online – all from female readers. No males. I went back and checked and, sure enough, you generally have a good mix (Trophy – 7 male, 4 female; Martian Pt 1 – 5 male, 8 female, and so on).

    AhHa! The post (tongue in cheek) completely objectifies men. I am so incensed! We are reduced to a commodity -“Every girl wants to date a doctor,” – it could be made into a Monty Python skit: No they don’t – Yes they do, he’s a neurosurgeon – No they don’t – Look, if you hadn’t nailed him to the bloody perch he’d be pushing up daisies! Reminds me of a conversation I overheard in dialysis the other night: Female Paramedic – “I want to have a baby.” Nurse- “Have you picked a sperm donor yet?” Yikes!

    I am totally degraded. When are you women going to learn that the way to our hearts is not objectification! I feel dirty, like a second class human being – I am crushed, dismembered, my masculinity left in a pile of bloody tatters. Sob!

    Oh, by the way, good luck with the online dating – I’m looking forward to reading some juicy details, poor bastard in going to be Geisha-ized. (Hey, you can’t leave your toothbrush in my bathroom! Why not? It has your germs on it – put it in the mudroom.) Ha!

    1. Haha, well I’m honored that you tried so valiantly to find something redeeming about the post! Also, I’m glad there will always be a standard to which I’ll need to aspire with the writing.

      Objectification of dudes — they’ll get over it!

      Monty Python skit — but you do find Monty Python funny, yes?

      Your last line — hilarious! (And not altogether untrue.)

      1. Paul · ·

        I found your writing excellent, as usual Gunmetal Geisha- well structured, interesting subject, personalized content, insightful thoughts, reaching out to readers: it is all there. You have certainly exceeded any writing standards. And there is no doubt from the comments of your female readers that you struck a home-run with them. Yeah, yeah, I’ll get over it (the objectification). I still have to learn that the world does not always revolve around me -Harumph- and yes, Monty Python is hilarious!

  10. Kim · · Reply

    I’m sitting here in awe not just at your superb writing skills, but also because it’s evident you are so in tune with yourself that you’re not going to surrender to societal pressure to marry and procreate. More than ever I think independence is important for women and being in a relationship that allows us to have that is equally important.

    I sometimes want to be single again, away from the monotony of day to day life with another person. To not have to deal with snoring, his oddball habits or any other nonsense. It’s love, unconditional love, that keeps me where I am. He lets me be me and recognizes my need for freedom and independence. If he didn’t, I would have been long gone by now.

    I wish you all the best in whatever you do.

    1. That’s classic greener grass syndrome, no? Straight-hair people want curls, curly headed people iron theirs. Singles don’t want to be single, spouses don’t want to be married… But it sounds like you don’t take that great combo for granted — you having both independence and unconditional love.

      As far as monotony, any life can fall into it, with or without someone. Good thing it’s an easy fix — life can’t get boring if we don’t let it; there’ll always be endless activities and new areas to study…

      Finally, thanks ever so much for your wonderful words and wishes!

  11. Mike · · Reply

    As I read the beginning, for a guy, I was “out” when you mentioned neurosurgeon. From a monetary standpoint that’s not me. I’ve had a great government job for over 25 years now and I will retire at a very young age. But, I’m more of feet planted, non-materialistic, incredibly romantic, let’s hold hands and talk and take my Golden Retriever, Phoenix, for a road trip for the day kind of guy. Walk along the shores of Lake Tahoe (30 mins from me) and have a meal overlooking the lake. Online dating takes so much courage and I admire anyone who gives it a go. I like my alone time as I’ve chose that most of my life. I never need anyone…want is what life should be about. Companionship with an option for more? I’m in! Money? Wrong guy as I will bolt the minute you ask. Not directed at you Gunmetal. You’re doing fantastic Ms Geisha and all of our best wishes to you! 🙂

    1. Thanks for your well wishes. Now let me ask you a question — does it not come across that GG (that would be me), doesn’t care for such things (as excessive materialism)?

      1. Mike · ·

        Finally I leave a comment that someone actually says, “Hello??? I’m not done here.” I like to cut right to the chase despite how painfully shy I am. That’s an oxymoron in a way, huh? I didn’t give you a fair shake because I heard “neurosurgeon” and immediately said to myself, “another one out of my league.” That’s a ME problem. And I soooo apologize. You are darn right, we all like nice things and should have them. It was just the Dr/Pretty Girl/Us Normal Guys Don’t Stand A Chance thing. I’m so very sorry Gunmetal. Hugs over the ether to you! 🙂

      2. Still confused… Why didn’t I get a “fair shake” since I emphasized the opposite of any desire to date a neurosurgeon?! Am I not clear in the post? I’m really asking. I often make clarifications based on comments, so I’d love to know.

  12. Mike · · Reply

    “Yet you went out with a doctor,” she throws out.

    “That doesn’t count. He hadn’t been a doctor long enough to pick up doctorly traits. Plus, he wore flip-flops. And surfed –”

    “– and you really liked him.”

    “I did. It’s true.

    The first line and the last line. I wasn’t skimming 🙂

    1. “Plus, he wore flip-flops…” doesn’t adequately explain that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was a doctor? (You do realize I’m playfully bantering with you and not taking this to heart, yes?)

  13. Mike · · Reply

    I did not realize but I do now! I think I may have just made a new friend. That makes this a great day! I hope you like Golden Retrievers. We’re a package deal in friendship, Gunmetal 🙂

  14. I loved so much of this, especially your thoughts on being alone, having your own bathroom, and not having to feel guilty about much needed alone time. I have never been that person who was desperate for marriage or children… but… I will say….

    I totally met my boyfriend online.

    Not the psycho one I blog about. The other one, the one who is wonderful. So there’s a success story for you. We just might end up on one of their advertisements someday, ya never know.

    1. Thanks, Aussa. Now tell me about the parts you didn’t like so much — that’s always interesting too.

      One of my good friends met her husband online. They’ve been together for over eight years now. I actually hear more success stories than failures.

      I’m thrilled you traded the psycho for someone wonderful, by the way!

  15. This was so great! I did it a few years back. Met two great guys and had two great relationships but my circumstances changed, neither worked out in the end and I haven’t been back on since. But there is nothing to be ashamed of in online dating and I wouldn’t rule it out again at all. My personal circumstances just don’t warrant it right now.

    I totally get what you say about openly seeking love is not about weakness though sometimes society can make you think it is. I don’t want conventionality, but I do want to be loved and give love. It’s naturally human to want those things. I know the one thing that makes me happier than anything is being in a mutually loving relationship. People tell me I should seek happiness elsewhere. Poppycock. Yes other things make me happy, but having someone as you say to call your own and be on your side is what we all crave if we’re honest. Even if we have to share a bathroom!!

    A really great post which conveys eloquently many of my own thoughts. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    1. I agree that we all crave it at one point or another, like you say, if we’re honest. But certainly they’re times when other factors get in the way and people genuinely don’t want to be committed. There are all sorts of stories we drag into the simple business of connecting with someone. I touched on some in Part 1.

      I’m not at all surprised you found two great relationships through online dating. And I like how you refer to them as great even though they didn’t continue — I’m of the same view: The fact that they didn’t go on forever, doesn’t mean my relationships weren’t wonderful. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts!

  16. GG, I love the way there’s nothing contrived or pretentious in your writing style, it’s all you, the real you…some lucky bastard will fall in love with that one day and sweep you off your feet, what a prize! Rd

    1. What do you mean, “one day?” Makes it seem a century away… (Wink.)

      (You’re extremely sweet, thanks Red.)

      1. Oooh, GG, another time is all it would take to track you down and make you fall in love with me…you fucking hottie, you!

      2. Um. Thank you?

        Normally I wouldn’t publish a comment like the above, but I know you‘re funny as hell… And I may have fished for it, won’t deny it.

        But that’s cos I’m funny as hell too.

      3. That’s right, Lovely, funny as bell! Enjoy your life, I plan to.

  17. […] “I see bloodshed in my head, and not mine, so it’s probably good that shit like this hasn’t happened to me.”  Gunmetal Geisha […]

  18. maurnas · · Reply

    This is beautifully written. And I agree with you. I have an online dating profile. I don’t consider it to be defeat. I like to consider it like a smoke signal to the universe. Even if I don’t meet someone one there; I’m signaling that I am finally ready to meet someone. I too have spent many years single.

    1. I have nothing but positive experiences from online dating and recommend it. Thanks for reading — please share more when something comes of the smoke signals to the universe.

  19. First, your chosen tag/name, that alone made me want to read this post! I also love that you have an awareness of the craft of writing. It is obvious from what you write and how you put it all together. Brilliantly done!

    1. Well thank you! I’m glad you like the name and enjoy the writing. Good to have you here.

  20. I’ve been with my wife since we were both youngin’s (18 years between dating and marriage) and I’ve wondered to myself more than once about how online dating works. Not because I want to try it, but just because it’s fascinating to me for some reason. I love reading posts about adventures in online dating. It’s a sickness maybe. Lol. The balding neurosurgeon sounds like he has issues. Good for you for moving on.

    1. I never met the balding doctor, so I don’t know about his issues.

      But as far as your “sickness” for online dating (mis)adventures, let me feed it — just posted the next installment in this series.

  21. I wish there had been internet dating in my day! There is no shame in it – go for it, and good luck!

    1. Cheers!

  22. Would you mind if I used your headline “Does Online Dating Mean Defeat?” ? I loved your post. And after 7 years of dating as a single mom I absolutely concur with the idea of having lots of people to love rather than just focusing on one. You are an enlightened individual!

    1. Thanks for asking — may I know in what capacity you would like to use the title?

      That’s wonderful to hear — that you’ve experienced firsthand how love is more generous and widespread than we give it credit.

      1. For my headline on a dating site 😉

      2. For sure, be my guest.

      3. Thank you!

  23. Oh good, it was FP’d! I still recommend this to people. Love it, and congrats! *hugs*

    1. Hugs back!

  24. Renee · · Reply

    The problem with dating a Dr, especially a neurosurgeon is that “your time” is no longer your own. Emergencies happen and he I’d only available at non emergent times. That means your have to dance your schedule around his. BLAH I like my alone time! On my time! I also met my husband online over six years ago. One day your might find someone worth sharing your bathroom and washer with

    1. I may or may not, but I think either way, I’ll be just fine!

  25. I enjoyed your post, Gunmetal Geisha. Most of what you said hits home for me. I’ve been divorced for two-years now (after 28-years of marriage.) Everyone keeps asking me why I’m not steadily dating someone. Believe me, I’ve tried the online dating gig, and I have to say it’s not for me. Maybe that’s because I’m old-fashioned in my ways, or maybe because I don’t like the idea of shopping for a date.

    Being alone does not mean that you have to be lonely. I’m alone but I’m not lonely. I have plenty of friends, plenty of work, family, and lots to keep me busy. I look at it this way – everyday brings a new opportunity for someone to come along who will tickle my fancy. I’ve had more dates in the last two-years from offline encounters than from online ones.

    Why rush? Why look at it as a contest or a race with the clock? I’m a true believer in the saying that, “All good things come to those who wait.” That quote has proven itself to be true to me in the past and probably will again.

    Don’t rush time to an online bidder, you’re worth a whole lot more.

    1. I’m agree, Joseph. It turns out that online dating isn’t so much for me either. I just added the next installment in the series as to why not.

      I also don’t have an issue with being alone; I rather enjoy it and find it difficult to give up.

      No online bidders for me, don’t you worry.

      Enjoy all the real-life encounters you’ve been having!

  26. I don’t think that negative stigma is there for the most part anymore. People are busy, they want exactly what they want, this a logical step in our time. That said, I met the worst lying douchebags of all time online dating. And yes, a couple of nice guys. For sure. I met dbags in bars, too, to be fair. I have the hardest time with my bio. I just want it to say:
    “You should not be allergic to awesome”
    but WHO would respond to that?? No one I want to date.

    1. Hilarious. What are some of these douchebag stories? I got lucky and didn’t come across any. I completely agree that people don’t have time and want what they want, but as it turns out, I’m not so much into the online thing. (I wrote all about it today.)

  27. I love reading you. You’re such a talented writer.

    You reminded me of myself before I married. So very much. My pre-marriage me could’ve written this. I was 100% content on my own. I just happened to find a best friend/soul mate that changed everything…..but I’d still REALLY like my own effing bathroom. I mean…seriously.

    Like you, I n-e-e-d way more alone time than most people ever want. Fortunately, I get it, or I’d go insane.

    Great post!!!

    1. You totally get it, which is one of the reasons you were able to not only find, but identify your soul mate.

      Alone time = Gold.

  28. Daile · · Reply

    I loved this (and why wasn’t I already following you? Blasphemy!) I have been on and off online dating for the past 12 months and I feel there is less stigma attached to it. I usually champion online dating because I think there are so many positives about it. It’s there, most of the people are lovely and normal (duh – if you and I are on there, that says something!) and it’s a great way to date, meet people and potentially discover a connection with someone.

    Good luck! (to both of us…)

    1. Hello there… There’s hardly any stigma now, especially among busy people. And yes, though I just wrote an entire post about having deactivated my account, I have exclusively come across lovely people from my online experience.

  29. I really wish I had read this when I was younger and depressed I hadn’t found someone.

    It’s good to see you point out the other loves in your life too. Far too many people view romantic love as all you need, or least, trumping all other forms. But I believe friendship and family are also very important.

    1. If it makes any difference, when we’re younger and depressed about these things, not too much gets through to us…

      Yes, it’s definitely not the best perspective to view romantic love as trumping all others. But I didn’t know I got into that in this particular post; I’ll have to look at it. I know I wrote extensively on the topic on Valentine’s Day in “A Love Letter.” Wouldn’t want there to be too much repetition…

      Thanks for reading and telling me your thoughts.

      1. That’s true! I wasn’t easily comforted.

        You didn’t really get into it, it’s just an issue that’s sensitive to me. I didn’t get a boyfriend until I was nearly 23 and often felt like I was on the backburner of peoples’ lives, the same people who were the most important to me. So, because I’m sensitive to it, I notice even slight hints in that direction. I’ll have to check out your other post!

  30. Epic post.

    1. Why, thanks.

  31. ‘A lemon tree might be nice too, since I’m a big fan of citrus. That’s about it.’ Haha, yeah. I don’t see the big deal in online dating. Isn’t going to a club just a less direct way to try and pick-a-mate, anyway? Online dating is just a way to cut out the middleman (read: the drinks and awkward pick-up lines). Sweet post.

    1. No, it’s really not a big deal at all, online dating. It does turn out that it’s not so much for me though. But then, neither is “picking a mate” at a bar or club.

      Thanks for reading!

  32. lrconsiderer · · Reply

    “I’ve accepted that I’m wired like every other human being who seeks basic companionship. I’m a damn mammal. My blood runs warm. And mammals cuddle”

    Possibly my favourite line of writing I’ve read today! LOVE this.

    Little known (and won’t be widespread) fact – I met Husby online. Not intentionally, but through a forum. Then we met with mutual friends, and I found he had a touch of destiny about him, and that was that.

    Destiny’s a fickle bitch, so don’t ever trust her.

    I ended up with every. single. expectation. and hope. and prayer. SHATTERED.

    It’s taken all our marriage (of nearly 4 years), all my strength, nearly my sanity, and almost his life, to survive the curveballs thrown by that Destiny.

    If you’re happy alone, enjoy it for as long as possible.

    If you need someone to cuddle, for goodness sake make sure they’re healthy.

    And if they get sick before you’ve said ‘I will’…




    …your call.

    1. I both love this comment and am kind of devastated by it — for you.

      I have no intention of settling for less than ideal, and if ideal doesn’t exist, so be it.

      By cuddling I truly meant “cuddling,” so health risks are considerably less…

      1. lrconsiderer · ·

        I did take you at your word – I assumed you meant cuddling.

        I discovered afresh this weekend that I rather enjoy hugs, myself.

        Don’t be too upset – it’s just how life turns out. We think we’re onto a good thing, right until it falls down around our ears. And then we have to choose whether we’re prepared to cut bait and chase an ‘ideal’ which mightn’t exist, or whether we roll our sleeves up and try to make something of the mess.

        I’ve got my sleeves rolled up, and mess everywhere, and gradually a foundation is being formed. It helps that he has his sleeves rolled up, too, but we do stop and yell at each other, and tear things down with stunning regularity. *sigh*

  33. Best of luck!

    1. Nice of you, thanks.

  34. Reblogged this on queenladytee.

  35. What a gorgeous post. I loved every word. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Best of luck with the dating and finding intoxicating love. I wish you well.

    1. You’re wonderful — thank you!

  36. I met my husband when I was 19. We didn’t get married then. But that’s when we met. I think thirtysomething me would feel much like you feel. I still want my own bathroom. I don’t think that ever goes away, and I too value my solitude. In fact, I crave it, embrace it, and appreciate every minute of it.

    As for online dating, I keep meeting people who met their *happilyeverafters* online. The possibilities are there, and in the meantime, a little romance never hurt anyone. Good luck.

    I love your writing.

    1. It’s true, so many people find each other online. It so happens that I’m done with that particular avenue. But my experience was positive.

      Thanks for reading. I love your writing as well.

  37. Congrats on getting Freshly pressed GG! This was quite a masterpiece. You’re right about love. Family that you love never goes away with time. The kind that you can catch up at any time and it seem like it was just yesterday. Whatever you do, don’t settle for anything but spectacular.

    1. Thanks Ben, now I’m in the FP club with you!

      I promise, I never will settle for anything less than spectacular.

      1. Your FP was WAY more worthy than mine. Yours was a well thought out post. Mine was a last second cheap attempt at bitterness. Yours are always spectacular.

  38. My husband was you, (but with a few required extras.). He too didn’t need to be coupled, had enjoyed good connections in the past, and generally liked his own company. But like you, he wanted. . .well. . .Me. And he found me on-line. What set me apart from previous partners is they made him feel they were looking for a mate, an ideal. I made him feel as if I had been looking for him; he was right. Subtle difference that says so much about which relationships are jewels.

    Internet dating has always had a whiff of desperation due to fact historically anonymity was always the cloak of mail-bride ordering men and lonely hearts personals columns. But in a world where everyone communicates so fully now through technology, for folks to dismiss the Internet as a dating community simply narrows their opportunities-sort of shamefully old fashioned like not dating unless a chaperone is along.

    I look forward to your future dating anecdotes! I have plenty of my own. I would never have crossed paths with my husband-my best side-otherwise.

    1. This is a great comment.

      I love that you were “looking for him” as opposed to an imagined ideal. It’s quite romantic.

      Your insights about internet dating of the past vs. now, and the chaperone analogy — not merely valid, but interesting.

      Would like to know your dating anecdotes (antics?) too. Please leave a link. As for mine, I just posted the next Dating for Martians installment…

  39. successwithgirls · · Reply

    I especially liked the sentence:
    “It was an aesthetic resistance, the same way I refuse to watch reality shows, or wouldn’t wear tiger-print leggings.” You really touched me there.
    But the rest is great, too. Inspiring post. I like your writing style.
    And – being a doctor myself – I have to say that you are right not to date doctors. Most of them are weirdos. Not me. I am just awesome.
    – F.

    1. Hilarious too, apparently. You’re not the first man — or doctor — to have that opinion about doctors.

      Thanks for reading.

  40. Um…just make sure the house has his and hers bathrooms. Duh.

    Biggest mistake ever is “facing reality.” Reality is just the past getting up in your face. Close your eyes, focus, and create reality. Design a future. If it weren’t totally possible to do this, nothing on the planet would change, ever. The past would just recycle itself into oblivion, like morning talk show hosts or McDonald’s menus.

    So, pick out the colors you want that washer and dryer set to come in. And then imagine his boxers in there.

    1. I know, right?

      (And I can’t believe the Mc word now exists on my blog…)

      You say “washer and dryer,” and it’s the first thing I’ve read in these comments that made me feel some longing…

      Cheers!

      1. “(And I can’t believe the Mc word now exists on my blog…)”

        It was the most disgusting simile I could think of in the moment. But you can get rid of “Mc” juju if you say Chocolate Vegan Cupcake three times in front of a mirror.

        “You say “washer and dryer,” and it’s the first thing I’ve read in these comments that made me feel some longing…”

        Mine are gonna be those uber-modern front loaders with programmable everything. Sunk into a wall cubby. With panels in brushed nickel. In a big-ass mudroom with a walk-in shower in the corner and a door leading to the garage. With a wide-shouldered, dark-haired lover who does all the cooking and dishes while I do all the laundry.

        OK, mind drifting….

  41. Reblogged this on Homie Williams..

  42. Loved it!!! (I relate to it hehehe)

    1. Ha, thanks!

  43. I did online dating once and hated it. I looked at hundreds of pages but never went on a date, because I was happily divorced and enjoyed my own routines and just couldn’t see how I could mix them up with someone else’s and stay happy. When I met Carmen it didn’t seem that difficult really, so I’d have to disagree with a good relationship being hard work. One thing I would day is that love is a verb as well as a noun: if you don’t do something- if you don’t love- the relationship doesn’t prosper. It’s not all about how you feel on a given day. Does that make sense? Anyway, you are perfectly fine on your own if you want to be and you sound like a vibrant, intelligent woman.

    1. It makes perfect sense — I like that: Remembering that love is a verb too.

      I’m no longer doing the online dating (for reasons that I get into extensively in current posts).

      It’s nice to hear that you and Carmen have a good relationship than you wouldn’t call hard work. Truly.

  44. “And it happens that I enjoy being on my own more than the average person. I’m relieved not to have to share a bathroom or worry about neglecting someone when I need my alone time…. The only difficulty is, I don’t want to discover someone suitable. I want to discover someone miraculous, because having a bathroom all to myself isn’t going to be easy to give up. There is more truth in that than joke.”

    I found myself saying “Amen” so many times while reading this. It’s so true!!! Thanks for sharing.

    1. And thanks for reading — glad it makes sense to you.

  45. Reblogged this on nnajirutholuchi.

  46. Don’t think of yourself as a martian. You are very attractive and you will succeed at online dating. Most people do after about 20 mediocre dates.
    dailyquizquestion.wordpress.com

    1. Nothing wrong with Martians, but thank you. Believe it or not, I’m already done with online dating. I did find all the people I met in person from the dating site quite lovely.

  47. musingsofmuskaan · · Reply

    Enjoyed the read, and laughed so much! I met my husband by accident on MySpace of all places six years ago, and we’ve been married for two. You never know where another Martian will turn up! All the best luck with your endeavors 🙂

    1. Haha, MySpace! Maybe there’s one for Martians… Thanks for your good wishes.

  48. Ive been divorced for almost two years and have 4 little ones, so many times I’ve thought if trying online datimg and thought id be stupid but maybe just maybe I might peek into it. I enjoyed this post 😉

    1. Yes, take a look. Try OKCupid.

  49. I met my miraculous, passionate love online and give zero fucks about how we met. I feel like every moment with this person is fireworks on a starless sky. I would have crawled through a desert naked if I knew that this kind of love was at the edges of a barren landscape. I loved being single- loved the freedom- loved the ability to wander. But, a love that is worth it doesn’t snuff out your flame, they light you up like a roman candle.

    1. Beautiful.

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